Is Love The Main Ingredient?

Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it. -Stephi Wagner

TRIGGER CONTENT.

This is not parent blaming but self-awareness. Iyayen mu ba abin da zamu ce musu sai Allah ya saka da Alheri. Ina me ba ku hakuri from whichever perspective zaku yi processing wannan post din, as marubuciya, I beg of you, a karanta daga viewpoint of yaron shekara 10 da yake tambayar abokin shi “Me ya sa baba ba ya son wasa dani? Me yasa kullum ya ke mun fada? Me ya sa idan na ce ma mama zan ci lunch ta ke ce mun na fiye cin abinci? A ci ci, kuma yunwa nake ji, daga breakfast sai dinner, koh ita tana cin abinci sai ta ce ai yara be kamata su dinga cin abinci da yawa ba. Allah sarki yaro, nima yanzu koh lunch ban ci ba saboda haka na gane yunwarka”

Abokin shi ya ce “ko muje mu tambayi baba da mamanka, muji me ya sa? Me ka yi?” a tsorace, ya zare ido yace “wa? Ai fada kawai zasu mun”. 

Kun ga difference din yaron that his parents su ke jan shi aji ki ko? Ya ce kawai kai tsaye a je a tambaya. Why? Ai ba laifi bane tambayan in a respectful manner a gane juna. What could have made 10 years old boy this scared of his parents? 

Random and strange right?

Ba wani sabon abu bane. Akwai yara da yawa da basa iya ma iyayen su magana. Ba’a sakar musu fuska, ba raha ba dariya, ba’a showing interest a rayuwar mutum. 

Once Allah’s Messenger PBUH kissed Al Hassan bn Ali and Al-Aqra bin Habis al Tamimi was sitting in his presence. Al- Aqra said, “I have ten children and have not kissed a single one of them” upon hearing this, The Prophet SAW looked at him and said, “He who does not show mercy (towards his children), no mercy would be shown to him.” Bukhari, Kitab Al- Adab Sahih, Hadith 5651

Kar mu manta yaran nan amana ne daga Allah saboda haka mu yi koyi da rayuwar Prophet Muhammad SAW,  ba wanda ya kai shi son yara, kuma ya koyar da mu yanda zamu kula da su kuma mu nuna musu so mu basu farin ciki dan nuna godiya ga Allah SWT da ya bamu su. As a society, we are evolving and some ways are meant to evolve too.  If you had an emotionally unavailable parent, and you turned out fine, Alhamdullilah. Kun san mafi tausayin trait din wanda suka girma da iyaye that are not emotionally available? Su dai babu abin da suke so kamar su faranta ma mutane wato people pleasers a turanci. Koh ana cutar dasu, basu san ma meye No ba and they are constantly seeking validation from others. 

With this society, dole muyi building self-esteem din yara or haka za suyi developing coping mechanisms which can be seeking attention elsewhere ko kuwa withdrawal from society. Wani lokaci zaku ga kananun yara wai suna neman samari or maybe suna tare da saurayi da ba lallai ma yana valuing din su, amma ana tare a haka saboda su basu san ma love to its fullest ba ballanta na ma su gane half-hearted one. Maza kuma yawanci shi ne suke fara rashin ji saboda a nuna an damu da su. We are not justifying any form of indiscipline amma in ace wa ne why not mu sa kan mu a shoes din yaran nan. 

Me ake nufi idan an ce emotionally unavailable parent? Ayi watsi da feelings din yara. Kwata kwata, harkokin su ba shi ne a gaban iyayen ma. Wanda abin yake basu mamaki, zaku tambaya daman akwai iyaye haka? Me yasa suke ma yaransu haka? Ba wani abu bane illa suma they grew up not being able to regulate their own emotions well, so they also avoid situations that involve emotional intimacy and these can negatively impact the child in the log run, because children are in the process of self-discovery and crave feedback from their parents and ku this feedback is always a negative one.

Wasu daga cikin dabi’un masu irin wannan iyayen. Suna da lura da canzawar mood din mutane, idan kana cikin farin ciki su ji daɗi, idan kana ɓacin rai su ce ai sune, sai guilt kuma. Komai ai su ne at fault, kamar yanda iyayen su suka nuna musu. A kullum, they are not good enough. Koh sunyi aiki ne an biya su salary, zasu ga ma salary din ta yi yawa, ba su yi aikin da suka cancanci salary din ba. a soyyaya kuma, suyi ta hidindimun keeping mutum interested, ba wai su bar shi su ga ko ana san su ba fa, the energy they give mostly is not the energy they get except in situations da suka hadu da na Allah, meaning they are mostly always taken for granted. Allah sarki, due to expecting the bare minimum, bama sa tambayan komai in a relationship kar su ga kamar za’a bar su.

In terms of emotions ma, you will do all the emotional work. Komai naki za’a raba. Kulawa, so, ganuwa, komi da komi. Wannan wahala har ina? 

I sympathize with anyone that went through any sort of childhood trauma and is still struggling now. I can’t imagine the pain of being a depressed parent and trying so hard not to traumatize your child. But Allah na nan.

Yan Aji, how can we help ourselves and our children mentally? 

Most importantly, In the remembrance of Allah do hearts find ease.

For more information, Contact a Mental Health Professional.